Settling in...

I'm afraid to settle in... I'm afraid that if I settle in that I will actually like it here and be content to stay here long term... I don't want to stay here long term... I want to go back "home" if God doesn't choose to take us into fulltime ministry somewhere... I'm okay with being away from my family if God has plans for us to be involved in fulltime ministry, but I don't like just being here for the sake of being here... I know God must be using this time in my life for a specific reason (maybe it's to realize how much I'd rather be "home" and to make me truly appreciative of being "home"), but I'm tired of being here and this not truly being "home"... I'm afraid to commit to anything here, because at the first sign that we can go "home", I want to be able to pick up and go with no strings attached... have I said I'm afraid to settle?

But at the same time, I'm tired of not feeling at "home" here... I'm tired of being the passive observer, the "I'm just passing through" person... I need involvement with other people - relationships with other people... I need to connect with the world around me, not just interact on a surface level... I miss having friendships with people, having relationships with people... most of my relationships are on the internet - FB, Xanga, blogs, etc... I don't have any real relationships here in Indiana - yes, I have people I refer to as "friends" who are willing to help out (and vice versa) whenever we need it, but there isn't really anything there beyond the surface level... I need depth... I have lost all depth in most of my relationships... I can really only think of two people who I would say I have relational depth with, and they're both related to me... I only see one of them occasionally & the other isn't nearly as deep as I would like it to be or that it should be...

Lord, You have me here for this time in my life. I need relationships that will grow me in You. I need relationships that will keep me sane! I need relationships that will teach me about myself and make me more like Your Son, Jesus. Help me to stop being afraid to put down roots and to take a step of faith and build relationships. Bring the people across my path that You want me to build into their lives. Use people to build into my life. Thank You that I can always come to You - that You are my one constant relationship! Teach me how to "work" on relationship building - I struggle to hold on to relationships when they require "work". Show me how to hold on to relationships. Make me a relational being!

Cravings

Have you ever gotten up craving something? Have you ever walked past your Bible and started to crave some time in God's Word? This morning, I was opening the blinds and curtains in the living room, and out of the corner of my eye, my Bible caught my attention. Instantly, I started to crave spending some time reading it. I immediately wanted to grab it and get comfy in my chair with a cup of coffee and glean truths from it. I love when the Spirit grabs my heart like that, drawing me to the Father! Today is one of those days when I wish the kids were still asleep (for a few more hours) and I could have a LONG QUIET time - reading and praying in the Word. Unfortunately, both kids beat me up this morning (thanks to not getting to bed til LATE last night), and I don't have a QUIET house to sit and read in. I was able to do a little bit of reading before David's screams took over and Jenny's need for attention got overwhelming - see previous post. I am so looking forward to naptime today!! I want to dig, dig deep, and pray through the Scriptures. Now I only hope that both kids will nap together today!! And I hope that I will have the discipline to actually sit down and read/study/pray - not letting other things distract me...

Lord, give me time to spend alone with You today! May I be disciplined to use the time I'm given in the wisest way possible. I love You, Lord, and I can't wait to spend time in Your Word!

Psalm 29-30

(From the Message//Remix)

Psalm 29

Bravo, GOD, bravo!
Gods and all angels shout, "Encore!"
In awe before the glory,
in awe before God's visible power.
Stand at attention!
Dress your best to honor him!

GOD thunders across the waters,
Brilliant, his voice and his face, streaming brightness -
GOD, across the flood waters.

GOD's thunder tympanic,
GOD's thunder symphonic.

GOD's thunder smashes cedars,
GOD topples the northern cedars.

The mountain ranges skip like spring colts,
The high ridges jump like wild kid goats.

GOD's thunder spits fire.
GOD thunders, the wilderness quakes;
He makes the desert of Kadesh shake.

GOD's thunder sets the oak trees dancing
A wild dance, whirling; the pelting rain strips their branches.
We fall to our knees - we call out, "Glory!"

Above the floodwaters is GOD's throne
from which his power flows,
from which he rules the world.

GOD makes his people strong.
GOD gives his people peace.

Psalm 30

I give you all the credit, GOD -
you got me out of that mess,
you didn't let my foes gloat.

GOD, my God, I yelled for help
and you put me together,
GOD, you pulled me out of the grace,
gave me another chance at life
when I was down-and-out.

All you saints! Sing your hearts out to GOD!
Thank him to his face!
He gets angry once in a while, but across
a lifetime there is only love.
The nights of crying your eyes out
give way to days of laughter.

When things were going great
I crowed, "I've got it made.
I'm GOD's favorite.
He made me king of the mountain."
Then you looked the other way
and I fell to pieces.

I called out to you, GOD;
I laid my case before you:
"Can you sell me for a profit when I'm dead?
auction me off at a cemetery yard sale?
When I'm 'dust to dust' my songs
and stories of you won't sell.
So listen! and be kind!
Help me out of this!"

You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
GOD, my God,
I can't thank you enough.

(No topic)

I feel the need to just write, so I'm not choosing a topic for this post... I have writer's bug right now...

my house is quiet, except for davids swing (thankfully he finally fell asleep) and the humidifier... jenny, david, and jason are all sleeping... this is the norm i think for when i get the writers bug - all my family is asleep, and my brain decides to turn on full speed ahead!

i've been thinking a lot throughout the day about possibilities for books - i have a lot of good ideas in my head, but i really want to do something that is personal to my experiences and that hasn't been done before (or at least something that is fresh to the masses)... the idea i mentioned in my previous post is definitely something that i want to explore... i also have a few other ideas - i need to write them down before i forget them... brb... i'm going to make a list really quickly

okay... i've got three so far - now i just need to brainstorm the different directions i could go with each of them... plus, i think i have a list on my other computer of other possibilities i came up with a couple of months ago... i'll have to look into that when i remember...

my brain really wants to brainstorm right now... ok.. i just added two more ideas to the list - one i need to reign in a bit, its too broad, but i can't think of how right now - i think i'm going to need a bit more "experience" in that particular arena first... but maybe someday!

i don't remember if i mentioned what genre i want to write... i really want to write about family/homemaking/parenting/marriage/etc - stuff that i experience and God teaches me about/through and then share those experiences/lessons with others... a lot of what i want to do will be studying the Bible to see what it says about particular topics, and then incorporating the Scripture with my experiences to encourage and instruct other women...

if there's an area in life that you'd like to read a book about, let me know... i'd love to get some input/direction from anyone who might want to give it! i'm hoping that i will have a topic chosen in the next month or so to start brainstorming on, so that i can start researching and studying... i'd like to start the actual typing of my first manuscript by summer (i know that's probably a lofty goal with two kids two and under, but since most of my writing is done after they go to bed, maybe i'll be able to do it!)... we already spend one day a week at the library - maybe i'll start taking the stroller to contain jenny so i can actually look for some books of my own! (right now, she runs up and down the rows while i look for books, and i usually give up before i'm able to find anything that i want to read, since i'm not too fond of being disruptive)... or, maybe i'll leave the kids with Daddy for a couple of hours so I can have some Mommy alone time and visit the library for some quiet and study time! (this is probably not a bad idea - i'll have to pose the idea to jason - i think he might actually go for it, especially if it's a weekly planned time during one of his days off... probably thursday afternoons after he's had a chance to recover and the kids are down for their naps! hmm... good idea, Ashley!)

wow... its only 20 after 10! i'm impressed with myself! i've actually been writing quite a bit and it hasn't taken up all that much time... sometimes when i write, time seems to fly by and i don't realize it... for once, i felt like more time had past than actually has! i'm not sure why thats so exciting, but, hey... i had to share it (well, no, not really, but i did anyways)...

i think i'm going to go over to FB and play Word Challenge for a bit... I'm pretty addicted to it, but when my brain's on overload like this, I don't usually do very well... so we'll see... I might be back yet tonight... otherwise, good night to anybody who might be out there in blogger world.

TV

I couldn't think of a good topic, so I picked "TV".

Pros: TV entertains us. TV can allow me some much needed time alone (ie Jenny and David watching Dora, Diego, or Caillou). TV allows for time spent together as a family. TV informs us - news, etc. TV is free (at least in my house since my husband works for the cable company).

Cons: TV distracts us from life - often I find myself in front of the TV, watching mindlessly, when there are more important and more beneficial things to be doing. Often the TV numbs us to the moral issues of the day - we see things (and yes, I'm speaking to myself here as well) that we shouldn't accept as okay or normal, yet we end up being numb to them when we see them in real life, since we see so much of it on TV. TV keeps conversations from happening - connections from being made. TV allows us to escape from reality.

Other thoughts: I watch too much TV. Most days, I don't watch any "adult" TV during the day (although there are some weeks when I sit and watch "my" shows while the kids are napping and then some) as the TV is on "kid" TV - Dora, Diego, Caillou, etc. Most nights, I don't do anything BUT watch TV - from 5pm til the time we go to bed, the TV is usually on - news, shows, sports, whatever... it doesn't matter, it's on. Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursday - these nights are full of shows that we watch devotedly (we DVR most of them because most of the time there are multiple shows we watch that are on at the same time and we DVR them in case we happen to miss part of them, and the others are available on demand, so we can watch them later). Since MTT are busy watching part of "our shows", WFS usually end up being "catch up" nights for the rest of "our shows". Once in a great while, we actually turn the TV off for a night (only when NOTHING is on and all "our shows" are "up-to-date") and spend time reading. (We usually read, surf the internet, etc while the TV is on.)

Some things I find annoying about TV:
*If someone is watching a show that you don't want to watch it's okay to (A) leave the room and watch TV in the other room or (B) sit and watch it with them in order to show an interest in something they like. BUT DON'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL WITHOUT ASKING!!! And if you do ask, and they would like to finish watching the show, be polite and let them - even if they do have it on DVD and have already seen it multiple times. It's not like you don't ever watch reruns!
*If you turn the TV on, turn it off when you leave the room (assuming nobody else is watching it).
*If you're not watching the TV, there's no point in having it on - or at least let somebody else pick the channel.

I'm sure there's plenty more I could say about TV, but I think I'll leave it at this... in college, they posted a verse on the TVs in the dorm: "I will place no unpleasing thing before my eyes" (or something to that effect)... maybe I should think more about what I watch, and maybe I should shut the TV off more - I think I need to cut back on TV and spend more time in the WORD!

Oooo... idea for another post - how much time do you spend getting ready for the day (shower, makeup, getting dressed, eating, etc) versus how much time do you spend getting spiritual ready for the day (praying, devotional time, meditation on Scripture, etc). I had this question posed to me once, and every once in awhile it comes to mind. I fail SO badly at this - I need to spend so much more time preparing for my day in the spiritual realm! (I don't really spend all that much time in the physical realm most days, since I don't usually have to leave the house 5 days a week!) But, that's not TV, so I'll save it for another post.

Nighttime woes...

I have a problem falling asleep most nights - my brain, no matter how tired my body is, won't "shut off", so I lay in bed, exhausted, but unable to sleep... my brain runs from one topic to another for hours on end... and half of the time I want to get up and write down all the things I'm thinking about, or do something about what I'm thinking about, since I probably won't remember it in the morning... last night, I was awake for about an hour after I went to bed, brainstorming and pulling together possible book ideas - I came up with a pretty good one, but I'm not sure how it'll play out - and I have to figure out if I have enough to write it, or if I'll need more "experiences" to make it work... and I'm not sharing the idea on here, because, until I decide to write it or not, I don't really feel like being quite that vulnerable and I don't want to talk about it until I get the "OK" from some people who it will affect...

Last night, too, I had too many people in my bed/room... David has slept in our room for the past two nights due to his cold/uri, so we can respond quickly if he needs something (otherwise he ends up choking himself and can't breathe well)... and then last night, Jenny came in around 3 (I think) wanting to watch cartoons... (she had also asked to watch cartoons when she "woke up" around 9 when I went to get a diaper for David)... I pulled her into our bed and she stayed there til morning... and thanks to her and David being in our room - we got up MUCH earlier than we would have liked to (Jason's off today), but alas, it's all part of being Mommy & Daddy!

Also, I'd like to have a word with whoever designs dreams at night... I'm not so thrilled with mine... they tend to be very realistic and about people in my past (usually I've seen/heard something about them in the past day or so)... I'd much rather NOT dream at all!

Alright, Jenny and I need to play "ABC's" - I'm thinking about possibly starting a "preschool curriculum" with her this winter/spring, or possibly just designing it now and waiting til Fall to start it... we'll see... she's too smart for her own good!

Jenny...

Jenny is currently sitting on the kitchen floor next to my stool (well she was a few seconds ago)... she has her "church shoes" on, her backpack on, and is "reading" her Bible (a Gideon NT that we let her have)... she is so cute sometimes! :)   She is funny, because she often asks us to turn on the TV to a specific cartoon (yeah for OnDemand) and then she won't watch it.  But, if we turn it off, she knows the instant the TV turns off or we switch the channel!  Don't worry, we don't let her watch TV whenever she wants... only during certain times during the day, and if we miss that time, then no TV for that time.  She's not addicted to it, but we sure do love the effect that Dora has on her!!  She will (most of the time) sit still without any distractions for the entire episode, allowing us to get some stuff done without having to worry about her! :) (I often take catnaps during the morning session of Dora and Caillou!)   Well... she wants "sumper drink" (aka "something to drink") and a "samwich" for lunch... and she just noticed that "Caillou all done!", even though she hasn't watched hardly any of it... I'd better go! :)

Writing for life...

my goal is to be a writer - to be published by the time I am 30 years old... that gives me just over 5 years to do it... I want to write non-fiction... self-help, I guess would be the genre... books about life and "how to do it"... marriage, parenting, home-making, etc... I also want to include Bible study in my writing - digging deeper into the Scriptures and finding practicality in applying the Bible to everyday living... I want to impact other women and use my life as an example of what to do in some things and what not to do in others... I want to be a stay-at-home-mom who uses her life happenings to make a living by sharing her faith and journey with others... to start, I am going to attempt to write daily... by forcing myself to do this small exercise, I hope to start to think more like a "writer" and become better with putting words and ideas down on "paper"... I have started to "journal" regularly within the last few weeks, simply typing as I think - and I tend to think a mile a minute... I often get lost in my web of thoughts that I weave! I want to write in order to encourage women in their spiritual journey... I want to help women be better friends, wives, mothers, etc. I have found that these types of books have encouraged me, and I enjoy reading them and always find myself wanting to write a similar book... so here I go!