Swimming against the Tide

Lots of thoughts running through my brain tonight.

Monday nights we (J & I) watch the CW - One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl.  (I know I'm lucky to have a hubbie that likes and watches these show with me!!)  And something on OTH struck a chord in me.  I've been watching a particular subplot grow in intensity over the past couple of weeks, and each week I come away from the show contemplating the newest developments.  Though I don't agree with how a certain character is responding to the situation, I find myself "understanding" where the character is coming from.  I'm not ready (and I probably won't be for a long time) to identify the situation and/or why/how I find myself identifying with it.  It's too personal...

I guess since my thoughts are mostly centered around this particular topic, I'm probably not going to be very interesting to read tonight.  If I manage to ooze any brain clutter, it's going to be pretty encrypted in order to protect myself and anyone else the topic might affect.

The whole topic has got me thinking, though, that I live my life way too focused on trying to please others, rather than doing what I  really want to do.  And since I've been living that way as long as I can remember, I'm finding myself in the middle of situations that I probably wouldn't be in if I had actually decided to be brave and live life the way I wanted to.  Not that the situations in themselves are bad (or wrong), but just that if I was a braver person, I would (probably) find myself in a much different situation than I am finding myself in now.

I think part of the problem is that I've been living my life without a real  purpose.  I've just been "floating" through life, taking the good with the bad, and trying to serve God the best way I can wherever I find myself.  Not that that is all bad.  I'm just finding that having a purpose, especially a God-given/God-driven one, can take on a life of its own, leading me to places I never dreamed and opportunities that I would have never otherwise pursued.

Ugg... sorry if reading all this is like trying to swim against the tide.  I really just want to write everything that I'm thinking down, but I know that it's not the wise thing to do right now, and I'll definitely regret putting a lot of it into words before the timing is right. 

If you think of it, pray for me.  I need God to change me - specifically in the area I'm swimming around in this post.  And it's definitely going to take a mighty work on His behalf to change me, because on my own, I'll never change.  And if I don't change, I can see the downward spiral taking me to some seriously dark places.

I'm hoping to avoid the dark places.  It's just a matter of letting God work in me to change my heart.  It's going to take a lot of work and probably be pretty ugly and painful at times.  But in the end, I know it's all going to be worth it.

Father, Change ME!!  Yield my heart to Your will - break my pride and mold me into Your image.  Only Your Spirit can bring forth the change I know that needs to happen.  May I be willing to be conformed to the likeness of Your Son.